Haven't written in a while. Been in a funk. Still tired, tired of this way of living. Feel I have nothing to give, I'm empty. Simply feeling sorry for myself. I'm over it, changed my mind. This is no "fun" anymore... at first I had this enlightenment, this new closeness to God, this new understanding, this new relationship with Him. I was positive, I will be a testimony, I will be "super cancer girl!". OK, not anymore. Isn't it amazing how even in fighting cancer, I still also have to fight my ego? Still have to learn, again and again, it's not me, its Him. I'm not my creation, I'm His. He calls the shots. My job is to be obedient and to receive. Why is that so hard? Why is trusting Him so hard sometimes in the deepest dark, in the face of fear, in the depths of despair?  You have nowhere else, you are powerless, why not turn to Him and simply relax, receive? I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually numb. Nothing to give, no hope to deliver. Silly me, poor pitiful me. It's like this realization has evolved over the last (long) five months- my fight is barely half over, I dont want to fight anymore, I will face this the rest of my life. I am terrified of my cancer coming back.  Why God?  Why did I have to learn this way? What do i need to learn? Couldn't there have been another way?  Why did I run from you for so long?- my greatest regret - would that have changed this for me? So many unanswered questions. So many more feeble steps of faith to take....

      I've finished my first round of chemo. I've decided not to do round 2. Both rounds together carried  a 2-4% chance of preventing re-occurance of my cancer. I did my research, I prayed. I finished my first round, then met with my oncologist. He told me I had already received most of what I was to get from my chemo already, if I did not want to do round 2 - he would not block the door. If, however, I were to tell him I did not want to complete the other aspects of my treatment - radiation, removal of my ovaries, and 5 yrs of tamoxifen, he would block the door to say "lets talk about this some more".  It was my personal decision - made under the guidance of my physician, and I feel a peace about it. It was not an easy decision, it was only MY decision. Not everyone in my life is in agreement with me. I feel it was right for me and my particular cancer and my particular cancer circumstances.
          I say - let's get on with the other forms of treatment that carry much greater weight than 2-4% - radiation, removal of my ovaries and hormone blocking... and no one can convince me that lifestyle - nutrition, exercise, spiritual support, human support - carries less weight than 2-4% !!    As I said, my decision, my peace.

        And yet, in spite of all my pitypot talk, I know somewhere deep inside myself- My physical discomfort... it will not last forever. And my emotions are just that, emotions. They are not the Truth. The Truth is that somehow I will be given the faith and the strength and the desire to take the next feeble step in this long journey, to ball my hands into shaking fists, to open my heart and my arms to receive the love and support that surround me - if only I accept it. If only I allow it.

      "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint". - Isaiah 40:29-31.
             
                                 This is Truth.



             I write to you tonight with a raw heart, an exposed wound. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am needy.  I am in a new place I don't quite understand yet. AND IT IS OK.

falling apart

  This last chemo weekend was more difficult than my previous ones. I felt worse and for a longer period of time, not to mention I also started a cough that would not quit. Kevin had to work all weekend so my sweet sister came to be with me. I slept a lot, ate even less, and coughed non-stop. Started more drugs. Fun.
  Missed work Mon and Tues - coughing/no energy. Left early on wed, came home and just let the tears flow. I'm just so tired. I want to be upbeat, see the positive, learn God's blessing during these dark times, but all I could do was cry. Everything is just so hard. I want my old life back. I want my old boobs back- I'm tired of these uncomfortable bricks on my chest;  I'm tired of dreading my next chemo-- wish I could just go back to simply dreading Mondays!  I'm tired of feeling like sh#*t most of the time, I remeber when i used to think I felt bad. I'm tired of trying to smile at others and keep a positive attitude. I'm just so tired of the effort of living this way... so I sat and cried and my dear compassionate husband who had a 102 degree fever yesterday and also feels like sh#*t stood 4 feet away from me with tears streaming down his face because he could not even hug me to comfort me.

We were lost at 4 feet apart.

All I could think to journal were the words to a song that's new to me by Josh Wilson:

"Why in the world did I think I could
  only get to know you
  when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
  Now it all seems upside down
'Cause my whole word is caving in
But I feel you more than I did then
  How can I come to the end of me
 and somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
 I find you when I fall apart.
Blessed are the ones who understand
  we've got nothing to bring
  but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
  And it all seems upside down
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
  But maybe this is the best thing that
has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving in
 But I feel you more now than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
  And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when
You will find me when I fall apart"



I ask God for forgiveness in my not standing, smiling, and strong in the midst of this storm,  for it could be so, so much worse. But, thank you Lord, for showing me love from just 4 feet away.

another lesson in humility

    My head, or rather, my hair started hurting about two days ago. It even hurt to lay down on a pillow..my hair started coming out. This morning as I gently rubbed my scalp, I drew back palms full of tiny black hairs. This afternoon after work I went after my head with a washcloth. I'd say probably 3/4 of my hair came out. I stood there at the sink, tiny black hairs everywhere... and I noticed the sun slanting through the window and into one of my eyes, making it look so blue and beautiful, my head a mismatched patchwork of sparse black and pale white. Again, I sobbed.
This is nothing if not a lesson in humility.

    In my heart I know all of this is just superficial, not really what's  important, and still - so hard to let go of. Standing in front of that mirror, topless, covered in a healing rash, red scars where nipples used to be, bruising all along my abdomen from the shots, tears streaming down my face... what a mess! What a humbling mess. And yet again, I must find it in myself to be grateful for this mess -

     ...because I am learning that only with humbled gratitude do I truly grow. So, thank you, Lord, for the mess that is me, thank you for loving this mess, and helping me to become more spiritually beautiful- like the light shining through my blue eye...

two down six to go!

     Had my second round of chemo yesterday. I'll admit I was still quite nervous. (Wonder if the pre-chemo nervousness ever goes away?) Feeling ok today. I was a little frightened because I was told my MD wanted to see me about something and you know how our silly brains can take something like that and run with it... as is turns out - nothing going on, no new (bad?) news.     Praise God!

     My sister came down from VA to "celebrate" the occasion with us, and of course my Kevin was with me strong. Haven't lost all my hair yet- in the meantime thanks to Nancy and my sister I have two adorable wigs and plenty of comfy cute hats. You know this not having hair thing isn't so bad. It takes me half the time to get ready in the mornings! no expensive hair cuts/colorings/no "bad hair" days...

     Let's just look for the blessings as there are many! My wonderful friends and co-workers are still bringing by meals to help my little family - and what a help it is! My employers continue to be amazingly supportive and understanding and flexible-- I don't know what I'd do without them? I continue to witness new and exciting ways that the Lord is showing me how my fight with cancer will change EVERYTHING for the better- and I am so GRATEFUL!

 

"Many are asking, 'Who can show us

          any good?

    Let the light of your face shine upon

          us oh Lord.

You have filled my heart with greater

          joy

    than when their grain and new wine

           abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace,

    for you alone, O Lord,

    make me dwell in safety"

               Psalm 4:6-8

    


You have filled my heart with greater love than I have ever known!
Love,
Laura
   

Fearless

Guest Post by Missy.
Laura through MY eyes....

 

Two weeks before I leave on the biggest adventure of my life, I begin another journey with my sister Laura.  

We've done the hurting... 

Now it's time for the healing. 

It's time to thank the Father for what He will do,

and for the poison that pumps through my friend's blood in order to cure her. 

It's a day to celebrate chemo, and all that it brings.

And as I watch the locks fall to the floor,

I see what is really happening in this room.

We are taking her down to her core. 

What will be left?

"Love...


 

Joy...

Peace...

Longsuffering...

Kindness...

Goodness...

Faithfulness..."



Gratitude...

And a fearless face that shines so bright with the Holy Spirit...

with the love,

the joy,

the PEACE,

the patience....

What's left is the fruit.

 

When the Lord shines on our faces, do we reflect it?

When we are asked to face Him,

to really face Him

in our fears,

with our lives,

with our futures, 

do we trust Him and let Him continue to shine?

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful,

but heartache crushes the spirit."

-Proverbs 15:13

Thank you, Lord;

For making her heart so happy

that we will never know of any heartache.

OK, first dose of chemo is now behind me!

After a bit of a mini-crisis over getting my port-a-cath placed this am, Wake Med came through for me! - I got the port and was back in Cary in time to receive my first dose of chemotherapy.  Kevin was, of coarse, was with me throughout.

I have a wonderful, skilled & compassionate chemo nurse named Beth. 

I made it through the two chemo drugs with flying colors and went home and celebrated with a some chocolate chip cookies and a piece of cheese pizza... talk about answered prayers!! 


"My heart may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!"
Psalm 73:26

 I will likely feel progressively worse over the next couple of days but I feel encouraged. I have the port placement and first dose of chemo behind me and the countdown is on!

I continue to cherish and nurture God's love for me... I feel I am getting an even greater understanding of how your faith needs to grow and mature - and how this is a process- - baby steps!   Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers and support.

I love you all!
Laura

Terrified

I met with the chemo education nurse yesterday. I am a nurse, this was not new information, not really. And yet when it is you who is the patient, somehow everything changes. I am no longer the skilled caregiver, I am now the one reduced to shaking hands, unchecked emotions, and a brain of 'mush'.  I am so afraid, no, I am terrified.  Crying and praying in the shower- "Lord, I just don't want to have to go through this" ....  and then I immediately thought of Jesus on the cross, asking His Father to spare him what he was about to endure...  Today I am afraid, and it is OK.

"Now that in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I kow how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "
Philippians 4:11-13.

 Today my faith feels small and weak, but I know there are many of you who are praying for me and I know that my wimpy faith and your strong faith will get me through. I know that through this journey of cancer, of fear and suffering, God will teach me, to love Him more, to trust Him more, and to lean on Him - and because of what I will learn, I am confident, my heart will sing with a joy that surpasses understanding. Is there no greater love?

Thank you for your faith and your prayers!  Love,
Laura