Tuesday, February 14, 2012

     Haven't written in a while. Been in a funk. Still tired, tired of this way of living. Feel I have nothing to give, I'm empty. Simply feeling sorry for myself. I'm over it, changed my mind. This is no "fun" anymore... at first I had this enlightenment, this new closeness to God, this new understanding, this new relationship with Him. I was positive, I will be a testimony, I will be "super cancer girl!". OK, not anymore. Isn't it amazing how even in fighting cancer, I still also have to fight my ego? Still have to learn, again and again, it's not me, its Him. I'm not my creation, I'm His. He calls the shots. My job is to be obedient and to receive. Why is that so hard? Why is trusting Him so hard sometimes in the deepest dark, in the face of fear, in the depths of despair?  You have nowhere else, you are powerless, why not turn to Him and simply relax, receive? I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually numb. Nothing to give, no hope to deliver. Silly me, poor pitiful me. It's like this realization has evolved over the last (long) five months- my fight is barely half over, I dont want to fight anymore, I will face this the rest of my life. I am terrified of my cancer coming back.  Why God?  Why did I have to learn this way? What do i need to learn? Couldn't there have been another way?  Why did I run from you for so long?- my greatest regret - would that have changed this for me? So many unanswered questions. So many more feeble steps of faith to take....

      I've finished my first round of chemo. I've decided not to do round 2. Both rounds together carried  a 2-4% chance of preventing re-occurance of my cancer. I did my research, I prayed. I finished my first round, then met with my oncologist. He told me I had already received most of what I was to get from my chemo already, if I did not want to do round 2 - he would not block the door. If, however, I were to tell him I did not want to complete the other aspects of my treatment - radiation, removal of my ovaries, and 5 yrs of tamoxifen, he would block the door to say "lets talk about this some more".  It was my personal decision - made under the guidance of my physician, and I feel a peace about it. It was not an easy decision, it was only MY decision. Not everyone in my life is in agreement with me. I feel it was right for me and my particular cancer and my particular cancer circumstances.
          I say - let's get on with the other forms of treatment that carry much greater weight than 2-4% - radiation, removal of my ovaries and hormone blocking... and no one can convince me that lifestyle - nutrition, exercise, spiritual support, human support - carries less weight than 2-4% !!    As I said, my decision, my peace.

        And yet, in spite of all my pitypot talk, I know somewhere deep inside myself- My physical discomfort... it will not last forever. And my emotions are just that, emotions. They are not the Truth. The Truth is that somehow I will be given the faith and the strength and the desire to take the next feeble step in this long journey, to ball my hands into shaking fists, to open my heart and my arms to receive the love and support that surround me - if only I accept it. If only I allow it.

      "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young man shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint". - Isaiah 40:29-31.
                                 This is Truth.

             I write to you tonight with a raw heart, an exposed wound. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am needy.  I am in a new place I don't quite understand yet. AND IT IS OK.