Wednesday, January 18, 2012

falling apart

  This last chemo weekend was more difficult than my previous ones. I felt worse and for a longer period of time, not to mention I also started a cough that would not quit. Kevin had to work all weekend so my sweet sister came to be with me. I slept a lot, ate even less, and coughed non-stop. Started more drugs. Fun.
  Missed work Mon and Tues - coughing/no energy. Left early on wed, came home and just let the tears flow. I'm just so tired. I want to be upbeat, see the positive, learn God's blessing during these dark times, but all I could do was cry. Everything is just so hard. I want my old life back. I want my old boobs back- I'm tired of these uncomfortable bricks on my chest;  I'm tired of dreading my next chemo-- wish I could just go back to simply dreading Mondays!  I'm tired of feeling like sh#*t most of the time, I remeber when i used to think I felt bad. I'm tired of trying to smile at others and keep a positive attitude. I'm just so tired of the effort of living this way... so I sat and cried and my dear compassionate husband who had a 102 degree fever yesterday and also feels like sh#*t stood 4 feet away from me with tears streaming down his face because he could not even hug me to comfort me.

We were lost at 4 feet apart.

All I could think to journal were the words to a song that's new to me by Josh Wilson:

"Why in the world did I think I could
  only get to know you
  when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
  Now it all seems upside down
'Cause my whole word is caving in
But I feel you more than I did then
  How can I come to the end of me
 and somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
 I find you when I fall apart.
Blessed are the ones who understand
  we've got nothing to bring
  but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
  And it all seems upside down
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
  But maybe this is the best thing that
has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving in
 But I feel you more now than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
  And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when
You will find me when I fall apart"

I ask God for forgiveness in my not standing, smiling, and strong in the midst of this storm,  for it could be so, so much worse. But, thank you Lord, for showing me love from just 4 feet away.

Monday, January 2, 2012

another lesson in humility

    My head, or rather, my hair started hurting about two days ago. It even hurt to lay down on a hair started coming out. This morning as I gently rubbed my scalp, I drew back palms full of tiny black hairs. This afternoon after work I went after my head with a washcloth. I'd say probably 3/4 of my hair came out. I stood there at the sink, tiny black hairs everywhere... and I noticed the sun slanting through the window and into one of my eyes, making it look so blue and beautiful, my head a mismatched patchwork of sparse black and pale white. Again, I sobbed.
This is nothing if not a lesson in humility.

    In my heart I know all of this is just superficial, not really what's  important, and still - so hard to let go of. Standing in front of that mirror, topless, covered in a healing rash, red scars where nipples used to be, bruising all along my abdomen from the shots, tears streaming down my face... what a mess! What a humbling mess. And yet again, I must find it in myself to be grateful for this mess -

     ...because I am learning that only with humbled gratitude do I truly grow. So, thank you, Lord, for the mess that is me, thank you for loving this mess, and helping me to become more spiritually beautiful- like the light shining through my blue eye...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

two down six to go!

     Had my second round of chemo yesterday. I'll admit I was still quite nervous. (Wonder if the pre-chemo nervousness ever goes away?) Feeling ok today. I was a little frightened because I was told my MD wanted to see me about something and you know how our silly brains can take something like that and run with it... as is turns out - nothing going on, no new (bad?) news.     Praise God!

     My sister came down from VA to "celebrate" the occasion with us, and of course my Kevin was with me strong. Haven't lost all my hair yet- in the meantime thanks to Nancy and my sister I have two adorable wigs and plenty of comfy cute hats. You know this not having hair thing isn't so bad. It takes me half the time to get ready in the mornings! no expensive hair cuts/colorings/no "bad hair" days...

     Let's just look for the blessings as there are many! My wonderful friends and co-workers are still bringing by meals to help my little family - and what a help it is! My employers continue to be amazingly supportive and understanding and flexible-- I don't know what I'd do without them? I continue to witness new and exciting ways that the Lord is showing me how my fight with cancer will change EVERYTHING for the better- and I am so GRATEFUL!

"Many are asking, 'Who can show us
          any good?
    Let the light of your face shine upon
          us oh Lord.
You have filled my heart with greater
    than when their grain and new wine
I will lie down and sleep in peace,
    for you alone, O Lord,
    make me dwell in safety"
               Psalm 4:6-8

You have filled my heart with greater love than I have ever known!