I met with the chemo education nurse yesterday. I am a nurse, this was not new information, not really. And yet when it is you who is the patient, somehow everything changes. I am no longer the skilled caregiver, I am now the one reduced to shaking hands, unchecked emotions, and a brain of 'mush'. I am so afraid, no, I am terrified. Crying and praying in the shower- "Lord, I just don't want to have to go through this" .... and then I immediately thought of Jesus on the cross, asking His Father to spare him what he was about to endure... Today I am afraid, and it is OK.
"Now that in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I kow how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "
Today my faith feels small and weak, but I know there are many of you who are praying for me and I know that my wimpy faith and your strong faith will get me through. I know that through this journey of cancer, of fear and suffering, God will teach me, to love Him more, to trust Him more, and to lean on Him - and because of what I will learn, I am confident, my heart will sing with a joy that surpasses understanding. Is there no greater love?
Thank you for your faith and your prayers! Love,