falling apart

  This last chemo weekend was more difficult than my previous ones. I felt worse and for a longer period of time, not to mention I also started a cough that would not quit. Kevin had to work all weekend so my sweet sister came to be with me. I slept a lot, ate even less, and coughed non-stop. Started more drugs. Fun.
  Missed work Mon and Tues - coughing/no energy. Left early on wed, came home and just let the tears flow. I'm just so tired. I want to be upbeat, see the positive, learn God's blessing during these dark times, but all I could do was cry. Everything is just so hard. I want my old life back. I want my old boobs back- I'm tired of these uncomfortable bricks on my chest;  I'm tired of dreading my next chemo-- wish I could just go back to simply dreading Mondays!  I'm tired of feeling like sh#*t most of the time, I remeber when i used to think I felt bad. I'm tired of trying to smile at others and keep a positive attitude. I'm just so tired of the effort of living this way... so I sat and cried and my dear compassionate husband who had a 102 degree fever yesterday and also feels like sh#*t stood 4 feet away from me with tears streaming down his face because he could not even hug me to comfort me.

We were lost at 4 feet apart.

All I could think to journal were the words to a song that's new to me by Josh Wilson:

"Why in the world did I think I could
  only get to know you
  when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
  Now it all seems upside down
'Cause my whole word is caving in
But I feel you more than I did then
  How can I come to the end of me
 and somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
 I find you when I fall apart.
Blessed are the ones who understand
  we've got nothing to bring
  but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
  And it all seems upside down
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
  But maybe this is the best thing that
has ever happened to me
My whole world is caving in
 But I feel you more now than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
  And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when
You will find me when I fall apart"



I ask God for forgiveness in my not standing, smiling, and strong in the midst of this storm,  for it could be so, so much worse. But, thank you Lord, for showing me love from just 4 feet away.